Retreat into the Darkness

I’ve spent the last few weeks immersed in Debbie Ford’s new book.  Why Good People Do Bad Things-How to Stop Being Your Own Worst Enemy.  Basically I’ve had to face the painful truth that I am a People Pleasing, Too Cool, Good Girl, who wants to be the Savior of the world, often acts like a Depressed Victim and tends toward being an Overachiever…selfish to the core. 

These are the masks that I have used unconsciously throughout my life to protect myself from the shame of my wounded ego.  These crappy masks have been lurking in the dark corners of my unconscious, quietly reeking all kinds of havoc in my life despite my spiritual progress.  While my masks protect me, they simultaneous have me experience myself as limited. 

These masks are my shadow.  I’ve been accepting them, tracing them back to the childhood wounds that created them and with the gentle flashlight of Self love the adult Jeaneen is healing those wounds.  It’s been intense and day by day, I’m feeling lighter.  I’ve been forgiving myself.  I’ve been applying the spiritual antidotes of vulnerability, generosity, humility, compassion, being of service, willingness and integrity.

Integrity is the one I love the most, because it trumps everything.  Debbie writes, “When we are living a life of integrity we don’t have to worry. When we’re being honest with ourselves and true to our values, we will admit it when we’re being greedy, guarded, intolerant, stubborn, self-absorbed, or deceitful and get the help we need.   Integrity leaves us a trail to follow when we’ve lost touch with our higher self.”  p202.

The adult Jeaneen that has emerged from the transformation of being in India, is quite busy, gently forgiving and loving all the parts that “Saint Jeaneen” had hidden away.  Whew.   Why am I doing this?  Because I can’t step into the greatness that I am truly capable of, the greatness of my authentic Self if I’m hiding behind a mask.  I must be willing to shine the flashlight of love and healing into my dark shadow, exposing the shame and fear.  Courageous yes…and oh my.  I’m feeling that this is EXACTLY what is needed for each of us to step into our full potential.