Why I stay

  • Because I can’t have what is happening now be the end of my story.
  • Because I have been thinking of propagating plants and if I end up with a new space with lots of windows I will create LOTS of plants.
  • Because I love Kevin, that is mostly it.  The rest of it makes me tired.
  • Because I yearn to spend time with my sisters and one good friend sometime soon.
  • Because I believe that my path is worth walking even though it winds through some dark, deep valleys.
  • Because having a boat named “Surrender Dorothy” is a dream yet to be lived in to. Those adventures are so very enticing in my minds eye.  Waking up on the water.  Light glistening.  Witnessing first Light and last Light every day…and the stars and moon.
  • Because I was given a spiritual name and have yet to become all that it promises.
  • Because I have not yet learned how to be a true friend, to give and receive in balanced joy, not that I wish to track the scales.
  • Because I do believe there will be a new chapter of my life that will be life-giving, flourishing and truly abundant.
  • For more clothes and dinner parties and dancing and kittens.
  • To experience the relief of having the last few years make sense and be a gift vs a tragedy.
  • To become a leader of influence without position or authority.
  • To finally understand the measure of my life’s worth in non-financial terms.

Seattle  April 4, 2024

 

What my father didn’t know

What my father didn’t know when he died unexpectedly on January 13 so many years ago was that my love for him would forever be frozen in time.  The love of a 9 year old girl for the person she trusted, admired and treasured more than anyone else in the world.

What my father didn’t know was that I would eventually find another man, Kevin, whom I would love, after much time had passed grieving his loss.

What my father didn’t know was how I was indeed crafted, molded by the small tiny moments we had, most of them fuzzy in my memory, moments of full expression and discernment:

      • Cursing at the cows
      • Traveling to Bill-Do’s bar for a beer (and soda for me) then on our way home, making sure I knew NOT to mention this to mom.  “Tell nothing of the place with the tall stools.”
      • Riding the tractor, smelling the freshly cut hay.

What my father didn’t know was how much I thought of him.  His bookmobile driving, cow milking, tractor steering gentleness.  How could one who did such intense work be so very kind and patient?

What my father didn’t know was how much I did not appreciate being left with Mom.  He hadn’t an inkling that all the difficulties both financial and otherwise that his death created would all lead me to become something way beyond what he might have imagined possible.  Maybe he knew all along what the plan needed to be and the timing of all that needed to occur.  The sacred timeline.

Here is what I want you to know:  I’m not savoring writing every day as I know I will eventually again.  I’m not sure there is anything significant shifting or opening for me?  I guess this is the nature of growth and integration.

We never get too know what would have been if the thing that happened had not happened.  I will never know HOW I would have been different now if events had not happened when they did.

If my father had not died?  I will never know.

If I had not written daily for 11 days straight?  I will never know who I would have been without this practice.

And that my friend has something to do with faith, surrender and the complete and total easing of control…maybe even the absence of free will.

January 13, 2024, Bainbridge Island. 

Inspired by Portrait of the Poet as a Child by Elizabeth Knapp  via Laurie Wagner Wild Writing Day 11.

 

How to triumph like a Goddess

Remember who you are really, really.

Ride a tiger and know that a swan is always an option.

Shoot laser light beams out your eyes, blazing a trail through resistance and all evil. Fiery eyes always.

Make good use of your many arms and your elaborate weaponry, even though some of these tools, you have no idea how to use nor would you ever dream of wielding them in their fullest potential.  Holding them in your hands with fierce compassion in your heart is quite enough to banish the enemy and claim “justice for all.”

Allow your hair to be entwined with flowers and a little red kukum powder that actually looks like blood.  Brilliant red, definitely creating a “Don’t mess with me” vibe.

Continue to slowly circle your prey when you have the advantage, especially if that prey was once evil and is now cowering.

Would the Goddess within you truly want this?   Yes, once you turn on the power and wrath of the Goddess. well , she can’t just flip a switch and return to quiet passivity.

Impossible.

How to triumph like a Goddess? Make sure you spend many hours floating in, remembering that you swim in a sea of love.

That is all.

That is enough.

Embody her presence, sometimes unbalanced, and wavering, some may say unhinged, she doesn’t care about that.  She remembers,

I am That.

Bainbridge Island  April 26, 2023   Salt Water Writing

 

 

 

In spite of the fact

 

In spite of the fact that Kenden is in Paris walking on her treadmill with a guide who is hiking live in Chile with her on video, and every bit of this scenario sounds WAY more appealing than MY current state of affairs.

In spite of the fact that my beloved is going off the deep end having a hard time holding on to reason.

I have to report that I am simply listening and breathing, sleeping and eating, mending and breaking, even though I know not where any of this is going.

In spite of the fact that the winter holiday time is still months away.

In spite of the fact that all of me wants to be with all of you.

I have to report I am in secret Bliss today knowing that here, right now is all I really need.

In spite of the fact that all I feel sometimes is rage and sadness and hurt.

In spite of the fact that human beings for the most part are completely unpredictable and I being one of this species, exemplify the same qualities.

In spite of the fact that money is tight and emotions are frequently shredding my equipoise,

I have to report that, in this moment,  all , for the most part, is well.

Seattle, WA     September 11, 2023     Wild Writing with Laurie Wagner

 

List of Always

Always travel lighter than your heart.

Always engage in joyful meandering banter even though you simply want to walk alone and hide your desire too belong.

Always sing if the opportunity arises pausing everything to be part of a chorus of voices and listen.

Always remember Grace, invisible, working its way into the cracks and crevices of darkness where the creepy crawly multi-legged insects of your ego tend to live and drive you insane with worry.

Always say yes to invitations that involve moonlight sparkling on the water and the opportunity to lay down flat on your back and gaze into the night sky.

Always keep the list of your boundaries close at hand and read them often.

Always chocolate will be priority #1… especially on certain days when nothing else will do.

Sept 13, 2023.  Bainbridge Island.  Salt Water Writing

 

 

Bainbridge Island  September 13, 2023   Salt Water Writing   Packing for the Future Instructions, Lorna Krowsher

I hear a beginners song

 

I hear a beginners song, so quiet, so true, so very determined to love my precious life.  This song is like the first croaking of the spring frogs as they climb out of the mud to declare themselves present again in this muddy, messy bog.

I hear a beginners song, sad and determined as it turns the page, not yet sure of what, where or how, determined to  create something out of the mud.  A simple croak of declaration.  I am here.  I can’t stay asleep.  I know not anything else but the sound of my own voice.

I hear a beginners song, so loud that it will NOT let me sleep, agitating, shaking, the Divine sound of death and rebirth.

I hear a beginners song yet I am exhausted still by the journey here and the ending. The song, it brings me hope and springs forth from that very ending.

I hear a beginners song, patient and true, spirited and kind:  “Something will happen.”

Absolutely nothing occurring is impossible.

Absolute nothingness is where the creation will begin.

I hear a beginners song, singing forth from the space.  Let the particles remain chaotic and strewn.  The space holds far greater potential for creation, inspiration and love.

I hear a beginners song, dancing out from the space between us.

Bainbridge Island, March 22, 2023   Salt Water Writing

I know more or less how to live through my life now

I know more or less how to live through my life now.

I imagine it as a roller coaster which I ride blindfolded never knowing when the bottom of my car will drop 30 feet and then gradually climb, tick, tick, tick toward another stomach tightening fall.

I never wonder if this is unusual or special, or anything I can control or plan for.  I simply ride it out with dismay and then optimism.

I know more or less how to keep myself belted tightly in my seat, white knuckles grabbing the bar that sits across my waist, the  bar which I intellectually know will keep me safe.  And yet, I never seem to raise my arms in joy as I begin to plummet as one could attempt on such a  roller coaster.

I want to know how to live what is left in good company.  Those who delight in the adventure, knowing that the ride was NEVER designed to  be a smooth linear uphill trajectory.

I mostly want to know how to live what is left feeling a sense of belonging.  All the deep work understanding how to slow down, create connection, empathy and understanding that I conjure for others.  I want to know how to live what is left of my life offering all this to myself.

Perhaps on a sliver tray, adorned with a candle and single rose, worshiping the worthiness, the belonging, of the goddess I have discovered  I am.

 

 

I could be…but I am here

I could be singing and laughing, telling stories with damn near perfect comedic timing.

I could be watching television with my Mom, both of us in lazy boy recliners, trays of food on our laps, smiling, pointing, asking each other inane questions, petitioning the Gods for more time, sitting just like this.

I  could be brewing sun tea, slicing lemon and cracking open ice cube trays, ice flying everywhere, thinking about moving toward the hammock to  read, noticing the sparkle of sunlight on the waves as they crash on the sandy shore.

I could be frosting cupcakes.

But I am here…

Procrastinating the folding of my laundry thinking about which bill to pay and when my invoices will be paid.  I am here tracking the movement of dollars as they flow in and out of my bank  account, fast , swift, cascading into the world without any trace of identification.  ” I.D. sir? Nope, I’m flowing out.”

I could be settling into my life as it is, knowing I am fulfilling a purpose that often feels unconscious and circular.

But I am here…

Wondering when chocolate will find its  way into my  pocket, wrapped in foil, decorated with a tiny bear.