Instructions on not giving up

Whatever winter did to us is done now,  the blame, the surrender,  the healing;  it’s all complete.

I wonder what the green spring skin growing over all of this is intending?

I hope it won’t break my heart and yet that is the nature of tenderness.  The nature of new tender shoots includes the fierce gentleness required to allow them to unfurl.

Last night standing by the side of the road, unwilling to return to what was, maybe that was the beginning of the green skin growth?

Maybe the beginning was the coziness of the 3:30am cup of tea, the sweet essay I read that included cows and Vermont and the possibility of calm?  The deep sleep after all that, even with the nightmares, had me awaken refreshed and at peace.

The life force tending the green skin is definitely clearing a groove, creating new pathways to journey, healing old and new wounds so easily.  (Actually not easily, let’s say relentlessly.)

And yet, I do respect it’s intensity, the fierceness of the determination to breach the river bank that I have tirelessly tried to maintain.

And now, I allow.  And, hope for faith in the act of surrender.

March 20, 2024 | Bainbridge Island | Wild Writing with Satu

Why I stay

  • Because I can’t have what is happening now be the end of my story.
  • Because I have been thinking of propagating plants and if I end up with a new space with lots of windows I will create LOTS of plants.
  • Because I love Kevin, that is mostly it.  The rest of it makes me tired.
  • Because I yearn to spend time with my sisters and one good friend sometime soon.
  • Because I believe that my path is worth walking even though it winds through some dark, deep valleys.
  • Because having a boat named “Surrender Dorothy” is a dream yet to be lived in to. Those adventures are so very enticing in my minds eye.  Waking up on the water.  Light glistening.  Witnessing first Light and last Light every day…and the stars and moon.
  • Because I was given a spiritual name and have yet to become all that it promises.
  • Because I have not yet learned how to be a true friend, to give and receive in balanced joy, not that I wish to track the scales.
  • Because I do believe there will be a new chapter of my life that will be life-giving, flourishing and truly abundant.
  • For more clothes and dinner parties and dancing and kittens.
  • To experience the relief of having the last few years make sense and be a gift vs a tragedy.
  • To become a leader of influence without position or authority.
  • To finally understand the measure of my life’s worth in non-financial terms.

Seattle  April 4, 2024