I could be…but I am here

I could be singing and laughing, telling stories with damn near perfect comedic timing.

I could be watching television with my Mom, both of us in lazy boy recliners, trays of food on our laps, smiling, pointing, asking each other inane questions, petitioning the Gods for more time, sitting just like this.

I  could be brewing sun tea, slicing lemon and cracking open ice cube trays, ice flying everywhere, thinking about moving toward the hammock to  read, noticing the sparkle of sunlight on the waves as they crash on the sandy shore.

I could be frosting cupcakes.

But I am here…

Procrastinating the folding of my laundry thinking about which bill to pay and when my invoices will be paid.  I am here tracking the movement of dollars as they flow in and out of my bank  account, fast , swift, cascading into the world without any trace of identification.  ” I.D. sir? Nope, I’m flowing out.”

I could be settling into my life as it is, knowing I am fulfilling a purpose that often feels unconscious and circular.

But I am here…

Wondering when chocolate will find its  way into my  pocket, wrapped in foil, decorated with a tiny bear.