I know more or less how to live through my life now.
I imagine it as a roller coaster which I ride blindfolded never knowing when the bottom of my car will drop 30 feet and then gradually climb, tick, tick, tick toward another stomach tightening fall.
I never wonder if this is unusual or special, or anything I can control or plan for. I simply ride it out with dismay and then optimism.
I know more or less how to keep myself belted tightly in my seat, white knuckles grabbing the bar that sits across my waist, the bar which I intellectually know will keep me safe. And yet, I never seem to raise my arms in joy as I begin to plummet as one could attempt on such a roller coaster.
I want to know how to live what is left in good company. Those who delight in the adventure, knowing that the ride was NEVER designed to be a smooth linear uphill trajectory.
I mostly want to know how to live what is left feeling a sense of belonging. All the deep work understanding how to slow down, create connection, empathy and understanding that I conjure for others. I want to know how to live what is left of my life offering all this to myself.
Perhaps on a sliver tray, adorned with a candle and single rose, worshiping the worthiness, the belonging, of the goddess I have discovered I am.
